12 hours 

At 6 I arrive home, with a wave of relief,

Away from the torment, the pain and the grief.

I slip off my shoes, sit down at the table,

Take a deep breath, read the news if I’m able….

At 7, the panic and anguish return,

I feel them already, just starting to burn,

I’m simply not hungry, I know I must eat,

Lethargy wins, I admit to defeat….

By 8 I’m distracted, the cat plays with her toys,

Conversations with loved ones, dull into white noise.

Quite often when here, I wonder how it must be,

The frustration and anger of living with me….

Around 9pm, I try watching TV,

I simply can’t focus, I just want to flee,

My stomach does cartwheels, my palms fill with sweat,

Crashing waves over me, a fish caught in a net….

At 10pm, my eyes become increasingly red,

Uncontrollable tears,  as I sit on my bed,

I’m increasingly tired, I’m not able to sleep,

My heart it just races, I continue to weep…..

It’s 11pm now, maybe music will relax,

To help calm the nerves, stop the panic attacks,

Dead still I lay, trying to engage every note,

Avoiding the issue of my now bone dry throat….

At midnight, the quiet should give me some peace,

My minds working overtime, thought processes increase.

Financial, emotional, working life, stress,

Everyone deals with it, I cope with it less….

It’s now 1 am, in an armchair I sit,

Cursing myself, for being so shit,

I can’t sleep, I can’t think, why am I so weak?

A failure, waste of space, the future feels bleak….

By 2am it’s desperate, I feel so awake,

My mindset is dull, but my body just shakes,

Negative thoughts, start to enter my head,

This would be easier, if I was just dead….

As 3am approaches, I’m feeling quite sick,

Popped paracetamols, hoping they’ll do the trick,

Searching my mind,  for the lamest excuse, 

Don’t make me go back there, just give me a noose….

The clock strikes 4am, with pills on the table,

I don’t feel uncomfortable, I feel mentally stable,

My head it is pounding,there’s no lack of control,

But Is this the answer, out of this black hole…..

At 5 I still sit there, staring at the abyss,

No idea what to do, has it really come to this ?

One glass of water, it should be enough,

But for those left behind, it’s not fair, it’s too rough…

6am alarm goes off, despair and my heart sinks,

Where has all the time gone, could do with 40 winks,

Showered, dressed, out the door, on the train and meet a friend,

Smile, wave, laugh, have a joke…… And here we go again!

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